Many of you can’t identify with my story. My baby Hadassah had a rare condition called ectopia cordis that only affects 5-8 babies out of 1 million. Still, many of you have experienced your own deep grief, some losing your babies to miscarriage.
Don’t undervalue the grief accompanying a miscarriage. No matter how early you lose your baby, you will still grieve.
Grieving after a Miscarriage
I can tell you firsthand that my grief for Haven and Hadassah felt similar, especially during the initial days. While Haven was a surprise baby, we had grown to love and cherish this little one. For a few weeks after my miscarriage, Kenny and I came home every day and sobbed. God led us through that time early in our marriage, just as He led us through our trial with Hadassah.
Your grief following your miscarriage may differ from someone else’s. Depending on the circumstances surrounding your loss, your miscarriage may cut deeply into your heart. You might need time off from work or some evenings alone to think.
Or maybe you had just found out you were expecting. While the loss hurt you, you feel all right after just a few days. You shouldn’t feel guilty. Grieving for everyone is different.
Honestly, all the same rules apply for miscarriages as they do for infant loss or the loss of an older child. What’s hard about miscarriages is that often nobody around you even knows about it except your closest family and friends.
1. Talk about it.
I am always a huge advocate for opening up the conversation about our losses. People tend to shy away from the uncomfortable. They choose silence rather than risking a comment that might push you away or hurt you.
While you don’t want every conversation with your friends to get awkward, casually mentioning your pregnancy or how much you loved your baby might bring you great comfort. If nothing else, express your emotions to your close friends. Let them in if you’re having a rough day. Talking through your grief will help you cope through the darkest hours.
You will need plenty of rest. Your hormones have fluctuated perhaps more steeply than normal as your body abruptly goes in and out of pregnancy. As with any loss, you should guard yourself from sinking into despair.
Resting helps you control your emotions better, giving place to repair rather than depression. Couple with solid nutrition and a relaxing bath or thoughtful exercise for well-rounded TLC.
3. Find a keepsake.
Some mothers sink into depression with a miscarriage simply because they gained no closure. Miscarriages happen swiftly, bringing one moment’s joy into another moment’s anguish. I encourage you to find something to remember your baby by.
After my miscarriage, I felt the urge to write about Haven. I hated the experience, but I couldn’t forget it either. I have kept this short story about Haven as my token that this baby existed.
Whether you scrapbook ultrasounds, write a story or song, or buy a necklace in honor of your angel baby, you will find comfort in holding a keepsake in honor of him.
4. Seek help.
Again, don’t take your emotions for granted. After all, you did lose your baby. Seek guidance from a pastor or counselor, especially if your thoughts are turning dangerous. Support groups can also ease some pain since you will meet others going through hard losses similar to yours.
Some people truly can grieve without professional help guiding them, but you won’t lose anything if you decide to seek help anyway. During grief, a counselor’s listening ears may be all you need to pull you through.
5. Lean on God.
God is your surest source of comfort at this hour. Don’t let Him be the last option you run to in your grief. He knows all about your miscarriage and cares profoundly for you.
by Sarah George