Peace? After Losing My Child?

findingpeace

Peace — not the word that I would have used after the loss of my children. Anything but that word actually. Sad, depressed, angry. Those words characterized my every moment.

Eventually, through many discussions with great friends and caring family, I could say that I had a semblance of peace. I could walk into church, crack open my weathered, burgundy Bible, and smile through Pastor’s sermon without an accusing question burning in my mind. That spiritual peace had been restored.

But there is another way that losing a child can destroy confidence: peace in everyday life. In a way, this everyday peace is still a lack of trust in God for me. Sometimes I lie awake at 1 am, my eyes aching for their rest, but I still cannot sleep.

My heart jumps at every sound; my eyes dart to the corner of the room, to the closet, to the curtain softly swaying in the breeze created by the fan. Although I don’t quite panic, still an underlying fear resounds off pitch within me. I try to calm it with stored up Bible verses like Isaiah 26:3-4; sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don’t.

I am working daily to trust that bad things don’t happen every single day to the same people, but I do have to work at it. What about you? Have your experiences destroyed your peace in your everyday life? What have you done to help gain peace again?

by Sarah George

4 thoughts on “Peace? After Losing My Child?”

  1. I am praying for God to give you peace deep down in your soul. Bad things happen to good people. I do know God loves you very much and will repay every pain of sorrow you have felt. I love you and miss you. Love always.

    1. Dora,
      Thank you! I was actually able to calm down a little over the past few days. This problem of daily peace is steadily getting better. I miss you too!

  2. One day, probably five years after our daughter died of cancer, I was driving down the street and realized I was speeding. As I slowed down, I thought about what I would say if an officer had actually stopped me. The first thing that came to mind was, “Leave me alone–my daughter died of cancer”. And I actually started crying. Where did that come from! Never mind it had already been several years since it happened. Those little moments catch you unaware for years to come. Don’t be afraid of them, and be willing to not only go with it, but also let it go. I was able to laugh about it later.

    1. For some reason, I never thought about what you must have gone through during this time. I’m glad you shared your story. It helps me know that those moments of grief are normal. I do feel sometimes as if I should have moved past this restless stage already. But I keep thinking that if something so rare could happen to my baby, then anything could happen to me. This view is partially true, but I am having trouble keeping my trust in the proper place, in God. Thanks again!

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